My Journey Towards Recovery

Cynthia Darrow, 31 is currently on parole and a single mother of her 15 month year old son. She shares her trials with addiction to meth at a young age and where it stems from.

I'm a 31 year old single mother and on parole. I'm trying to start my life over again. I know all too well the struggles and pain that comes along with trying to get past the past, I've made poor choices that follow me around like a shadow.

As a child, I always felt different and very troubled. My dad was an alcoholic who was abusive towards my mom in front of me and I still remember those incidents as though they were just yesterday. Because of my witnessing of those incidents it affected my ability to choose men who were NOT like my dad.

Even at 31 years old I am still constantly having to be aware and fully conscious of who I get romantically involved with which means I now do not rush into anything like I use to.

At 16 year's old, my dad left my life altogether, and the only time I heard from him was when he needed money, always promising he will repay me, which never happened. He is still an alcoholic. I don't send him anymore money so I don't hear from him anymore. Growing up I always played by my own rules, prided myself on breaking the rules and not being afraid of anything. Doing things right, and getting good grades was not what I was good at. I was far from "normal", let alone did I ever feel anything close to it. I found a way of life that I was good at. I was a rebellious kid and a serious troublemaker. I liked that image because I thought it fit me so perfectly. However, it didn't. I just had no other road map to follow and this way just seemed the easiest.

My step-father and I never really developed the kind of ideal relationship necessary to build a real father/daughter foundation on. The two major reasons were one, I was not the kind of daughter he could be proud of due to my difficult behavior and lack of motivation and two, it was his frustration at those things about me he couldn't understand. And for those reasons he was verbally abusive and attacking every chance he got to voice that opinion to me in the most hurtful and damaging ways.

To this day, I still cannot recall not one time he ever said anything to me or about me that wasn't mean and hateful. This caused a huge rift in our family, especially in me. The damage of his words undermined any possibility of me growing up with any self-esteem intact. More things from my past that I still live with, negative feedback replaying over and over in my head. I figured that all those bad things I was constantly told must be true and if he believed it then I would make sure he got it. That further fueled my dedication to continue on with being the "worst of worst", as he would say and I did so with no second thought or hesitation. Somewhere in the back of my mind I was actually self-destructing to prove a point to him. Even thinking about dying at my own hand then he would finally see how much he hurt me.

It was so distressing to feel so different and so conflicted everyday of my life, never able to talk about what I was feeling and going through with anyone.

By 15 year's old I was first introduced to what would become my best friend and my worst nightmare, Methamphetamine aka meth. I was instantly hooked and it was the answer to all my problems. I felt so good about myself and so confident! I easily interacted with other people. And it seemed that my depression and self-consciousness was gone. That feeling of being not just "normal" but actually happy and for once very content with myself was the feeling I loved and would search for everyday. I was fully aware that I had opened the door and let in that lurking disease of addiction which was already deep within me. I didn't care. It was now too late to even think about fixing my problems in a healthy way. From that moment on, I wanted my quick fix and that meant more meth.

The year's that followed were further into my addiction with greater and greater consequences.

At 17 I dropped out of high school and by 18, I was no longer living at home. I was also arrested for the first time as an adult for being under the influence which got me 2 rounds of court ordered drug diversion classes. I eventually couldn't continue hiding my drug use and failed the classes right before I was due to finish. I was referred back to court for sentencing. I was a mess. I couldn't go home since I had warrants now and still heavily on drugs. I was living here and there, mostly with boyfriends who also were my drug dealers. The bad boys were so appealing to me and I felt the most comfortable with them. Things never worked out with any of them, mainly because when your on drugs, there is no way to have a loving, stable, respectable relationship with anyone. My relationships were chaotic, unhealthy, unhappy, clouded with drugs, paranoia, and constant worry. But at the time that was what felt normal and comfortable for me and looking back, sadly that mirrored my childhood with my alcoholic father. This kept me stuck in a cycle of destructive behavior and extremely poor choices.

The next few years was such a blur that it saddens me to think how much time I've wasted and spent running from the cops on drugs 24/7. I was in and out of jail. I rushed through my 20's so quickly that sometimes even now as a 31 year old, I mistakenly say that I am 21 when asked how old I am. I have a lot of regrets sadly, but at the same time, I can also say that all of my mistakes do not have to forever define who I am. I am not the bad choices I made, and it's not me as a person.

Today, I am on parole for the first time. I am a newly divorced single mother of a beautiful and wonderful little 15 month old little boy whom I love more than anything else in this world! I battle my demons everyday but the difference now is that I've made a choice to actually fight for my life! I am no longer allowing myself to be a victim to my past or to my addiction. The possibility for relapse is always there, just sitting around waiting to be given the chance to take over- - if I let it. That's the great part about it, I have the CHOICE as to whether I go back to my active addiction or NOT.

I can stay locked in my past and live like a victim, or I can leave it in the past where it belongs and move on with my life. Which will be used for being the best mom I can be to my son and not repeating those mistakes. I hope by sharing my story it can bring light to what others going through similar situations can relate to. I pray that my story will help at least one person struggling and feeling alone and give them a new sense of knowledge and power to not stay stuck. Take an active role in your own lives and future's and ask for help when you need it because help is out there. All you have to do is speak up and ask!

About Cynthia Darrow

Cynthia Darrow, 31 is currently on parole and a single mother of her 15 month year old son. She shares her trials with addiction to meth at a young age and where it stems from.

This article is part of the category: Law & Justice 
This article is part of the tags: addiction  / co-dependency  / Cynthia Darrow  / Meth addiction  / parole 

Comments

Cynthia;

If you only know how it feels to here your story. I'm so proud of you and the mother that you have become. I think you know what its going to take to stay clean, know lets see the action. You are an inspiration to other single mothers. Share you story and give away whats been given to you. A new way of life. Your on the way to a wonderful life, not always easy but if you work hard it will be better i promise you that. I just want to give you a great big hug cuse I think you got it now Thank You GOD!!!! Love Chris

Glad to hear your doing well.

so proud of you viva la mujer! adriana

Dear Cynthia, It is great to see that you are using your past hurts to help others realize that there is hope for them. Keep focused on those things that are most important to you (such as your spirituality, your child and truly yourself). WINGS Instructor, Carolyn

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